Dance Like No One's Watching | Volume 8

Hey, what's up, hello from Denver. I'm finally back home after spending the last few weeks traveling throughout Phoenix, Park City and most recently, Monterey, California (a charming little town nestled along the Pacific Ocean).

What was that? You don't care?

Oh, ok.

Here's what I've been thinking about lately:*

*In addition to "I hope the Niners and Bengals win today" (sorry to ma homies)

Haven't subscribed? New here? This newsletter, Makes Ya Think, poses questions about human behavior, and hopefully, provides insights that challenge your beliefs, offer a unique perspective and if nothing else...make you think.

Why doesn't anyone care about what I've been up to lately?

A harsh truth of life is this: people are thinking about you WAY LESS than you think.

We think every misstep, mistake and/or miscalculation we make is being meticulously judged by those around us.

Truth is, everyone's too busy focusing on their own lives to be thinking about yours. In reality, life is more like the right square below.

It's normal for life to feel like what's shown on the left. Since we're the stars of our own worlds, we think we're the center of everyone else's too.

We're so close to our vulnerabilities, our shortcomings and our flaws that they become magnified from our perspective.

This is called the spotlight effect: the tendency to overestimate the degree to which other people are noticing or observing our appearance or actions.

This is why you feel weird about going to a concert alone. You think everyone is looking at YOU because YOU feel out of place.

Turns out (and this is quite liberating), the world is too busy to notice or care.

As silly as it sounds, it's why I initially decided to major in accounting and finance instead of something I was much more interested in (marketing and journalism).

It's why I liked telling people I was a broadcaster more than I actually liked broadcasting.

"You broadcast baseball? Wow, that's cool". (I did like it, but I'll admit, I liked that other people thought it was cool just as much).

It's why I don't get as excited to tell people about my current job (marketing for an insurance company) - even though I feel much more fulfilled in this role.

Do people think I failed as a broadcaster? Do they think my current job sounds boring? Do they notice the mustard on my shirt?

Hell, every time I write this newsletter, I get scared that people are going to pick apart and judge everything I say.

The spotlight effect can cause us to focus on winning the approval of others instead of living a life that's true to our authentic selves.

In reality, few of us are quite the celebrity that we think we are. Even in small groups, the social spotlight doesn't shine as brightly on us as we think.

Despite this, we (myself included) go through life worrying about every little thing we do and how we're perceived by others.

We play it safe. We conform. We stand off to the side.

Let's dance.

Not like no one's watching.

As it turns out, no one ever really is.

Can the Spotlight Effect explain why this newsletter is late?

As a matter of fact, yes, I think it can.

I had to give a presentation in front of my entire company (about 90 people) earlier this week. I'll be honest, I was a nervous wreck.

I hadn't met a majority of my co-workers in person and wanted to make a good impression. It didn't help that I hadn't presented in person in over three years (thanks COVID).

What if I messed up? What if my jokes didn't land or the content didn't resonate? What if (gasp) they could tell I was nervous? If things went bad, would I ever be considered for a leadership role? Would the CEO think...we just promoted this guy?

Typing that out makes me feel like I'm a psycho, but in reality, I'm just human - someone that vastly overestimates how much other people are thinking about and paying attention to them.

It's why I wanted to sneak in that I recently got promoted (I hate myself for doing this, I know you guys don't give a shit).

Sure, everyone wants to do a good job and make a good impression. But on the flip side, it's comforting to know that unlike me, no one in the audience was thinking about the worst possible thing that could happen and no matter what happened, the audience would likely forget about it quicker than I would.

After all, they're too busy to care. Most likely, they were busy thinking about issues going on in their own life - even while I was standing right in front of them.

Dozens of studies have confirmed the spotlight effect. One such study? The Barry Manilow experiment.

A group of students were asked to wear a bright yellow shirt with a picture of Barry Manilow's face on it to class. As we now expect, all the students greatly overestimated how many people in the class noticed.

You're always the main character in your story, but rarely in theirs.

Ps. the presentation went well (other than the fact that when I said "Emily and I have fruit snacks" some people thought I said "fruit sex"). Oh well, they've all forgotten about it by now.

Tweet I'm Thinking About

This may seem super depressing, but I think it's quite the opposite. A good reminder to live life on your own terms. (note: this tweet was from March 2022)

Another Tweet I'm Thinking About

The closest I get to feeling like Steph Curry when he's "in the zone".

Parting Thoughts

We're going to get back on schedule this week. See you again Wednesday night.

Any questions? (signing off like someone that just finished their presentation)

Kevin