Just Be Yourself. Everybody Else is Taken. | Volume 12

Opening this week’s newsletter with a mini-milestone to share: Makes Ya Think has now been read more than 1,000 times (well as long as five people read this edition – I guess four now that you’re here).

Maybe this isn’t all that impressive. Maybe it comes off as a humble brag. I’m really not sure. I mean, you can do the math: 12 editions and 1,000 views. Roughly 80 people will read this.

The real reason I’m sharing? Partly because I care too much about what other people think. I’m human, after all – we’re wired to think this way.

More on that in this week’s edition.

Here's what I've been thinking about lately:*

*In addition to "thank you to all the readers and supporters out there (and the haters too). I appreciate you!"

Haven't subscribed? New here? This newsletter, Makes Ya Think, poses questions about human behavior, and hopefully, provides insights that challenge your beliefs, offer a unique perspective and if nothing else...make you think.

Why do I care so much about what other people think?

I’m fairly confident this line isn’t said often at the family dinner table:

“Hey mom and dad, I love your new ‘Proud Parent of an Honor Roll Student’ bumper sticker. It totally doesn’t embarrass me at all and makes me want to do better at school”.

Sure, the parents may have good intentions. Maybe they’re just proud of their kid.

But more than likely, there’s something else going on – a search for validation and approval.

Humans have an over-the-top obsession with what other people think of them - a craving for social approval and a paralyzing fear of being disliked.

This is why you try on four different outfits before going out for the night, why parents care a little too much about where their child goes to college, why you do something fun and then (after trying out way too many filters) post it to Instagram and why you decide to get married before you’re ready to someone you aren’t in love with.

And oh yeah…why those parents in the scenario above decided to buy a bumper sticker about how much they love their honor roll student.

Humans crave attention from others. We constantly seek validation and want others to see us in a positive light.

Think about it this way: have you ever accomplished something great or done something fun and wish more people knew? Isn’t that kind of sad?

Don’t get too down on yourself though – we’re wired to think this way. It’s genetic.

Let’s take a step back.

***

It’s 50,000BC. Your Great (x2000) Grandpa lived as part of a tribe. Here, social acceptance meant everything to Gramps – it meant he’d get to stay in the group, get access to valuable food and shelter and have a higher chance at being protected from predators and harm.

And what if he pissed off one of the ladies? Well, good luck ever finding a mate. Gramps didn’t have the luxury of taking a girl from the rival tribe to the dance. Options were slim.

Social acceptance meant everything.

And this was healthy – at the time. Social approval and acceptance were necessary in order for Grandpa to succeed and survive.

But, as you well know, times have changed. Civilization is vastly different now than it was back then.

However, our evolutionary biology hasn’t been able to move quite as fast. Our minds are still built to live in a tribe of 50,000BC – leaving us humans with more than a few unfortunate traits.

As Tim Urban put it, “We have a fixation with tribal-style social survival in a world where social survival is no longer a real concept.”

In other words, we not only overly-fear social disapproval, we also have this constant desire to be fed with praise and approval.

We want to fit in – so we look for what to do from others around us. We do meaningless and unfulfilling work – just to collect titles and accolades that we think will win the approval of our friends, our parents or society.

The problem with this approval-seeking and people-pleasing behavior is that it forces us to change our actions or speech to no longer reflect what we actually feel or think.

We aren’t authentic. We aren’t ourselves. We aren’t hanging with the type of people, taking part in the type of activities or studying the type of topics that we actually enjoy.

What do we do next? We look to others for the answer to that.

***

Let’s talk Instagram.

Sure, maybe you just use it to keep tabs on family and friends. If that’s the case – great.

But more often than not, Instagram (and most social media), has turned into a platform – a platform in which we play a “main character” that entertains an audience that’s willing to listen.

We know exactly what we’re doing when we post certain pictures, videos, captions and filters. We want to be perceived a certain way. We want to project a certain image or lifestyle.

We want attention and approval from those we crave the most. We want to, dare I say, make people jealous – in a “my life is better than yours” kind of way.

The huge problem with all of this is the motivation and intent behind it – validation and approval from others.

I mean, c’mon, why are you trying so hard to impress the guy you went to high school with that you haven’t spoken to in 10 years?

We have an irrational obsession with what other people think of us.

Take the bumper sticker parents, for example. As I mentioned above, maybe they really are just proud of their kid.

But…more than likely, this is an attention-seeking, image-crafting and jealousy-inducing type of behavior.

The parents are likely seeking validation from others:

…my kid made the honor roll…look how great of a parent I am!

…my kid made the honor roll…look how awesome they are! (way better than your kid)

…my kid made the honor roll…if I share this, people will think I’m a great parent and maybe that means they’ll like me more! I want to be well-respected in this community

The issue is that constantly seeking the approval of others can be harmful for several reasons, including:

• A lack of authenticity: for instance, parents may exaggerate their kid’s accomplishments in order to fit in or compete with others. This leads to a lack of authenticity and meaningful connection

• An unhealthy reliance on external validation: for instance, people may become dependent on likes, comments and other forms of validation from others to feel good about themselves, leading to low self-esteem and confidence

• A constant sense of comparison and competition: for instance, using Instagram solely to keep up with others can create a sense of competition and comparison, leading to feelings of inadequacy, jealousy or a constant need to measure up to others

It’s a hard cycle to break.

It’s why I mentioned at the top that Makes Ya Think has been read more than 1,000 times. I say I don’t care about the number of subscribers, views or clicks, but deep down, I do (at least a little bit).

Deep down, I felt something when the second newsletter got 100 less views than the first. I felt something when no one reached out after the third newsletter after I received positive feedback from people shortly after publishing the first two.

It sounds pathetic, I know.

Why do I care so much? I try not to, but I’m only human.

And now, I think I felt some sort of need to let people know that people (other than my mom and dad) actually do read this newsletter.

What can we do about it? Well, if you’re looking for answers, you’ve come to the wrong guy.

I do have one social media rule I try to follow though. If I’m going to post something, it must be:

1. Interesting/Informative

2. Funny/Entertaining

Oh, well I guess I do have one piece of advice:

Just be yourself. Everybody else is taken.

Can't caring what people think be a good thing?

Yes, in fact, it can! I love this quote from Adam Grant:

"Caring too little about what others think makes us look thoughtless. Caring too much appears inauthentic.

People who come across as both self-aware and sincere treat their reputations like mirrors.

They check their reflection every day, but they don't stare at it all day."

Parting Thoughts

To be clear, I think it's totally cool to post on social media or post about your kid's accomplishments (or really anything you want to share). I'd just prefer if the intent behind it is genuine and authentic!

Link in bio (signing off like an Instagram influencer),

Kevin