Via @kevin_schaefer7: Tweets To Make You Think, Laugh

I joined Twitter in 2011. Over time, it became my creative outlet to share observations of everyday life – and primarily, to find the humor hidden in the mundane and the ordinary.

So, in a weird way – which I didn’t really realize until now – I’ve been writing this piece for more than 10 years.

No idea is truly original, but I’d say 95% of these are written by me, with a few quotes and thoughts from others sprinkled in.

I hope you enjoy, laugh and think.

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1. If something seems too good to be true, it probably is.

*sitting at the bar by myself*

*attractive girl walks toward the empty seat next to me*

Her: is this seat taken?

Me (a tad excited): it’s all yours

Her: *picks up chair and walks away*

2. Everything is relative.

Me: I spent $100 on dinner and drinks last night

Friends: eh, that’s not too bad

Me: I’m thinking about spending $90/month to join a gym that will help increase my energy levels and mood, decrease stress and make me an overall healthier person

Friends: $90/month?? You’re crazy

3. Again, everything is relative.

6 bottles of wine: classy

6 bottles of vodka: alcoholic

4. Not having a clear plan/purpose is like grocery shopping without a list. The task will take you twice as long and you’ll get distracted by unnecessary items along the way.

5. Don’t be yourself to be more likable. Be yourself so you’ll find the people who truly like you for who you really are, not for someone you’re pretending to be.

6. Most people don’t want accurate information, they want validating information.

7. It never feels quite right reading a thank you card, saying “aw that’s nice” and immediately throwing it in the trash but I mean what else do you want me to do?

8. Ever notice how it’s never your irresponsible friend that’s super into craft beer?

9. People are bad at thinking long-term. That’s why we hate construction, continue to smoke and why I applied for an Old Navy credit card to save $50 and then weeks later spent a Tuesday night frantically trying to figure out how to pay it off/cancel.

10. If your thoughts line up perfectly with a political party, you're not thinking for yourself.

11. Don’t compare yourself to others. Compare yourself to someone older than you that is objectively doing worse in life. That’s much more helpful.

Just joking (I think).

12. People will unconsciously treat you as well as you treat yourself.

13. The cashier at Chipotle is like the backup QB: Not as involved in the action. Less pressure. Still a vital part of the team. Also, if called upon, you know they’d come in and make a mean burrito.

14. The people I admire most tend to have two things in common:

1. Read, Explore or Travel: constantly searching for new perspectives, experiences

2. Run, Lift, Cook or Wake Up Early: do something consistently that requires discipline

15. Pursuing the negative generates the positive. Being open with your insecurities makes you more confident around others. The pain of honest confrontation generates the greatest truth and respect in relationships. Suffering through fear builds courage.

16. 70% of my closet is stuff I don’t wear but I might wear but probably not but I’m too nervous to throw out.

17. Every bachelor party needs a guy that shows up a day late to rally the boys. Like a 6th man bringing energy off the bench.

18. The cold teaches us a valuable lesson in preparation. Prepare for it (hat, gloves, extra layers) and it’s much easier to deal with. Same thing goes for that test, game, presentation and many other things.

19. Have I gone to a concert alone? Yes. Did I feel embarrassed? No. Did I have an excuse ready in case I saw anyone I knew? Absolutely.

20. People are too busy thinking about themselves to be thinking about you.

21. I prefer a boss/leader that curses instead of one that intentionally tries not to. It’s more authentic. That matters.

22. We often become driven by a specific number rather than the purpose behind it. We strive for high ACT/SAT scores rather than a desire to learn and think critically. We extend our papers to reach a page limit rather than learn to develop our ideas in a concise manner. We focus on how many books we’ve read over how well we understand what was written. We brag about how many hours we work instead of the results we produce.

23. Whenever I say “if that makes sense” it’s because I know I’ve been rambling on for too long and not making much sense.

24. Success isn’t your salary and job title. It’s many things – your mental and physical health, your relationships, your free time, liking what you do, etc.

25. The friends I made during my first week at college all turned out to be really weird, but I was super desperate. I think there’s a lesson in that.

26. Learning probability and statistics is more useful than algebra or calculus for 99% of students.

27. Schools reward people that color inside the lines, don’t question authority and do what they’re told. They are ok at measuring intelligence, but bad at measuring creativity, passion and character which matter more than intelligence in the long run.

28. What you hate in others is often the thing you hate most in yourself.

29. The front desk lady at the gym is always like “enjoy your workout” and I feel so guilty she still has no idea I just come here to sit in the hot tub.

30. Hiding your weakness doesn’t project strength, it projects insecurity. Don’t look for people without flaws. Instead, look for people who are up-front about them.

31. All great things in life come from compounding interest – wealth, relationships, knowledge and much more.

32. It’s so easy to sit on the outside and criticize. I respect the people that make things happen. Create more. Consume less.

33. Everyone thinks they’re going to be the cool one to not care about their age, but then the new intern asks you how old you are and you kind of want to lie.

34. You don’t forget your neighbors that handed out the king-size candy bars on Halloween.

35. Times change. And that’s a good thing.

21-year-old me after drinking: hope I didn’t do anything stupid

30-year-old me: hope I didn’t agree to a morning workout class

Out with the guys

At 22: at the club. 12 friends. Taking shots. Talking to girls. Home at 3am.

At 30: at the bar. Three friends. Two beers. Talking deep about life and saying “I love u bro”. Home by 11pm.

36. The problem with politics is that people care more about defeating the “other side” than they do about the common good.

37. Social pressure forces you to improve. To take something more seriously, make it public. Publishing an article pressures you to write clearly. Presenting on a topic pressures you to master it.

38. Don’t try to fight alone. Talk to someone. Life is too short to do anything that prevents you from being your best.

39. No phone, a few close friends, a little music, some exercise and time outside will solve almost all your problems.

40. Not watching [Insert popular TV show here] is like when you weren’t invited to the big party in high school. You know it’s happening, it’s all over social media but you have no idea what actually happened and feel very left out during the Monday lunch table gossip.

41. It’s scientifically proven that if you stare at the Chipotle worker while they’re scooping up your steak/chicken you get more.

42. Instead of working toward retirement, work toward your ideal lifestyle.

43. Without Instagram, how would you know which kids from high school got super into hiking?

44. Everyone is a little bit shy. Be the first to say hello.

45. We tend to attribute someone else’s actions to their character – not their situation or context, but attribute our actions to our situation and context and not our character. We cut ourselves a break, but hold others accountable. Do the reverse. Be strict with yourself and forgiving of others.

46. No one can predict the future.

Interviewer in 2015: where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: in the marketing world. working my way up to management.

Actual (2020): Locked inside. Growing a beard. Watching too much Netflix. Stocking up on toilet paper.

47. There are a lot of good people in this world. People forget that.

48. It’s obvious the intent behind some people’s social media posts is to brag, boast and seek praise and attention. That’s the bad part of it. Social media becomes valuable when people use it to entertain, inform, create and make others think. Intent is so important.

49. I pack for trips like I have a problem shitting myself. Humans hate to be inconvenienced, uncomfortable and unprepared.

50. It’s hard to have a bad day on your birthday. Why? You’re feeling so much love. Remember to show people love every day, not just that day.

51. She didn’t fall asleep. Her phone isn’t dead. She doesn’t like you.

52. Sometimes I laugh during a movie because I feel like I’m supposed to and then someone’s like “what’d he say?” and I’m like shoot I have no idea.

53. 95% of people avoid saying the word “rural” as much as possible.

54. 90% of Ginger Ale is consumed on airplanes.

55. It’s important for salespeople to understand that while you’re trying to figure out the motivations of your customer, the customer is asking themselves the same things about you. Do you care about me or do you just want to make money off me? Can I trust you? Focus on building trust.

56. A lot of rich people choose to live poor. Not because they have too little, but because they want more and more. More won’t make you happier. Humans are very good at adapting to their situations.

57. You’ll never know exactly what your kid was up to last weekend.

Mom: how was ur weekend

*thinks back to Saturday night with memories of tequila shots, karaoke, a dance-off and 4am Taco Bell*

Me: pretty good. nothing too crazy

58. We should normalize naps during the work day.

59. If someone says “uh huh” more than twice when you’re telling a story, it’s time to shut up.

60. Your problems don’t go away if you avoid them.

61. No one is too cool to dance or dress up for Halloween. Remember: the weirder the costume, the cooler the person.

62. People are like rocks. Without activity, we are lifeless and dull. With great action, we come alive. Have a bias toward action.

63. Friends are like songs. We all have that one we hung out with every day for two weeks and then got sick of.

64. Everyone belongs to a tribe and underestimates the impact that tribe has on their thinking.

65. Humans do meaningless and unfulfilling work – just to collect titles and accolades that we think will win the approval of our friends, our parents or society. Those things don’t matter.

66. Where you live significantly impacts the person you become.

67. Anyone else intimidated by pineapples? No idea how to cut that up.

68. Instead of arguing with those whose views we think are wrong, perhaps we’d all benefit from trying to understand how their past experiences led them to these different views. We’re all biased to our own personal history.

69. Do more things that make you forget to check your phone.

70. Most of my regrets in life revolve around not peeing before a long walk, meeting or drive – and being too scared. We regret what we didn’t do much more than what we did. It’s much better to know than to wonder “what if?”

71. Alcohol impairs your judgment and leads to overconfidence. That’s why I’m 0 for 6 in dance-offs after 6+ drinks and 0 for 0 in dance-offs after having fewer than that. Use in moderation.

72. Protecting people from adversity doesn't make them happier or more secure. It just makes them more easily insecure.

73. People with tattoos aren’t afraid of commitment.

74. Not everything is your fault. But it is your responsibility. Even those that love you can only do so much to help. It’s up to you.

75. The phrase “how’s it going?” should be banned before 8am. I just woke up. What do you want from me.

76. People underestimate how much the weather affects their mood until it’s warm and sunny and you realize you haven’t been this happy since it was warm and sunny.

77. “Only one Pringle” is the biggest lie I tell myself.

78. Mourning is the price we pay for having the courage to love others.

79. The things that made you feel weird as a kid can make you very successful as an adult.

80. If you’ve never felt popular I recommend going to the same restaurant 5x a week for three months.

81. Nobody has ever eaten their way to becoming a Michelin Star chef. You have to actually cook. Consuming information is not enough.

82. When trying to grow out a beard or long hair or trying to do anything new with your appearance, call it an “experiment”. This will make you feel adventurous and not unattractive.

83. Remember middle schoolers: the bigger she writes in your yearbook, the more she likes you #HAGS

84. High schoolers: if she steals your hat at a party, she probably likes you. Or is just really annoying. Up to you to figure out.

85. The more you want someone to like you, the less they will. No one likes a try-hard. But playing it cool is also overrated.

86. Whenever I think someone and I have nothing in common I just remember that there’s a 99% chance we were both forced to read the same books in high school.

Cc: To Kill a Mockingbird, Of Mice and Men, Fahrenheit 451, Lord of the Flies, Great Gatsby, Catcher in the Rye, The Giver

87. Social media is a net negative for most people – particularly Instagram and Snapchat.

88. Just show up. Sometimes that’s what is most important.

89. To truly understand another person's perspective, don't just try harder to imagine it. You actually have to actually be in that perspective - you have to experience it.

90. Listen to actions, not words.

91. You can tell a lot about a person by the type of music they listen to. Sharing your Spotify Wrapped is cool and informative.

92. Realizing how little you know is the first step in becoming someone that knows stuff.

93. The less you post on Instagram, the more I probably like you.

94. Strive for three things: a healthy body, a clear mind and a house full of love.

95. If it’s easier for you to wake up at 5am to party than it is at 7am for work...find a way to get EXCITED about TOMORROW!

96. First dates are fun (sometimes).

From 2021: Yea my date went pretty well tonight. She just realized she forgot to feed her dog a few minutes in and left. I love how caring she is toward her pets.

Also in 2021: I bowled a 71 on a date and she hasn’t talked to me since. I think about that.

97. Fifth dates are scary because she’s already seen all my good outfits.

98. When you feel your worth is nothing, maybe you’re just in the wrong place.

The Value of 1 Vitamin Water

In a 12-pack: $1.67

In Walgreens: $2.09

In the airport: $4.86

99. The disease of our time is that we live on the surface. Real work and real satisfaction come from going deep.

100. Different experiences lead to different views. These views shape and define our current beliefs.

101. Your Twitter timeline isn’t an accurate representation of what the general population thinks. It’s an accurate representation of what your TWITTER FOLLOWERS think. Scroll with caution.

102. I want the confidence and composure of the person that can parallel park their car on a busy street.

103. My favorite part of going to the airport is when you buy a water and granola bar and the cashier asks for $9.29.

104. Many beliefs people hold are because there is a social and tribal benefit to holding them, not necessarily because they’re true.

105. If you went back in time before your birth you'd be terrified to do anything because you'd know that even the smallest nudges to the present can have major impacts on the future. How you live each day matters. It changes the future.

106. Pay attention to who you are around when you feel best. Be with them more often.

107. The more problems a society solves, the more society expands its definition of what's problematic.

108. People with green texts give off a mysterious vibe. Contrarians. Willing to be different. I respect it.

109. Nickelback isn’t that bad.

110. Perception shifts based on our expectations. Ever play a doubleheader in softball or baseball? The first game always goes by way faster than usual because you came in expecting to play two.

111. Sports are cool but have you ever had a group of people yell your name when you walked into a party?

112. Give the person you might know but aren’t sure a “nice to see ya” instead of a “nice to meet ya”. Avoids potential awkwardness.

113. I understand why NFL players don’t like to play on Thursday. Just like why I don’t drink during the week. Like I will if I have to, but I’m probably still recovering. A week off is perfect.

114. Trying to fill needs, like identity, community and self-esteem with material things is a recipe for disaster. You don’t want a fancy car or more Instagram followers – you want admiration and respect.

115. When you get invited to do something in the future, ask yourself “would I do this tomorrow?” That is a better filter.

116. Unsolicited advice on how to think:

1. Admit you have no idea

2. Acknowledge your biases

3. Realize you don’t have the same shared values and experiences as others

4. Think for yourself

117. No one knows what’s best for you. They only know what’s best for them.

118. It’s cool to care about things. This can include your work.

119. In work, search for match quality – the degree of fit between your abilities and interests and the work you do.

120. I don’t understand getting drunk on a plane. Like if I’m throwing ‘em back I’m trying to walk around, chat people up and do the YMCA. Not sit down, get up to pee every 30 minutes and watch The Blind Side on my phone.

121. Don’t ghost people. The worst part is that sometimes I’ll worry for a second that maybe something bad happened to them and then I realize nope they’re perfectly fine they’d just rather not see or hear from me again ever in their life.

122. A degree isn’t necessary to be successful in 95% of industries. Experience, enthusiasm and curiosity matter much more.

123. Humans think we see the world objectively and that those who disagree with us are biased, uninformed and ignorant. This is the core of many problems in our society.

124. We all see the world through our own unique lenses of experiences, attitudes, intentions and beliefs.

125. Drinks are free when the bartender thinks you need water.

126. My least favorite thing about politics is the two-party system. This forces everyone to pick a side. The extremes of both speak loudly, but in reality, both sides are much more similar than they are different. Identifying as only one or the other limits the lens in which you think.

127. How to choose a seat on a flight:

Window: if you kinda want to sleep

Aisle: if you kinda have to pee

Middle: if you were an idiot and forgot to check in

128. People are quick to attribute failure to bad luck but tend to ignore good luck when they succeed. 

129. The best part about getting in to work early is looking down on everyone that comes in after 8am like they are the laziest person in the world.

130. Being single is way better than having no friends.

131. The goal in life isn’t to make it problem-free. That’s impossible. It’s to take your problems and make them slightly better.

132. Hanging out with friends is not a hobby.

133. Brunch is just a way to say breakfast where it is acceptable to get drunk.

134. When people decide if a group picture is “good”, they only look to see if they look good.

135. If you have something nice to tell someone, tell them now. Don’t wait until it’s too late.

136. You need a few go-to’s in life:

Dance move, karaoke song, Halloween costume, meal to make, friend to talk to, drink order at the bar, restaurant/bar, pump-up song, outfit you look hot in, a joke to tell. What’d I miss?

137. When you’re 12, seniors in high school look like they’re 27 and when you’re 27 they look like they’re 12.

138. Don’t trust people that use big words. Good speech is clear, clever and understood by all.

139. There should be an “I’m running late” mode on Uber where you only get super aggressive drivers that weave around traffic and run borderline red lights.

140. Smoking kills, but loneliness does too. People underestimate the importance of human connection.

141. I’m not sure if I used to be popular or just had a pool.

142. The only thing all your problems have in common is you.

143. A healthy man wants a thousand things. A sick man wants just one. Prioritize your health.

144. I’m wrong about most things I think (and so are you). In 100 years, a lot of what we think to be true will be proved wrong. A good question to occasionally ask is “what might I be wrong about?”

145. Your personal experiences make up maybe 0.00000001% of what’s happened in the world but maybe 80% of how you think the world works. We’re all biased to our own personal history.

146. The key to looking hot is to look like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise when you do.

Still interested in more things I think? Doubt it. But, if so, here’s a link to my blog, Tiny, Beautiful Thoughts. I’ll add these to this list eventually.