My Plans Got Canceled And It Feels So Good | Volume 9

Is this you?

Well...um, even if it's not keep reading. BUT...if you're like me, you can very much relate.

Why do we make plans and then want to cancel? That's item number one on this week's agenda.

Here's what I've been thinking about lately:*

*In addition to "thanks for not canceling your plan to read this week's newsletter"

Haven't subscribed? New here? This newsletter, Makes Ya Think, poses questions about human behavior, and hopefully, provides insights that challenge your beliefs, offer a unique perspective and if nothing else...make you think.

Why do I make plans and then regret it and want to cancel?

Ok, back to that question we raised at the top.

Why? Well, maybe it's because you're bad at saying no, super introverted, stressed with work or hate this person.

But, we're going to dig a bit deeper. Here's another perspective:

When we think of events in the distant future we tend to think abstractly - in more high-level terms - about why they will happen, but when we think of events in the near future we tend to think concretely - in more detailed terms - about how they will happen.

If that seemed too confusing, let me try to clarify: the near future is finely detailed, whereas the far future is blurry and smooth.

Example 1: For All The Single Ladies (and Gents)

A charming guy (we'll call him Steve) asks you out on a date. A week from today. 8 pm. Drinks at a spot nearby.

You like a man with a plan. He seems to have a good sense of humor and my oh my, he plays the guitar. He says he's 5-11, so he's probably like 5-9, but that's ok.

Today, you're thinking of the date in a more abstract and blurry way. Your thinking is more high-level:

• "it'll be good to get back out on the dating scene"

• "maybe he's the one"

• "i'm ready to fall in love and commit to someone. I need to start putting myself out there"

• "a boyfriend sure does sound nice"

But then, the big day comes. And what happens? You start thinking in much more detail:

• "oh shit, I have to be there and ready by 8pm? Can't believe I'm missing wine night with the girls for this"

• "how in the world am I going to finish all this work before then? I'm so stressed"

• "I don't even know this guy, should I just bail? The weather outside sucks"

• "what do I wear? Oh shit, what if he is 5-9? I can't wear these heels!"

You see, once the date shifted from the distant to the near future, a "chance at finding love" became "oh shit, am I really going to miss wine night and leave the house on this cold, rainy day to meet up with some dude I've never met before that might be a total loser?".

*I promise I'm not a height-shamer. 5-9 is the average male height for those scoring at home

Example 2: For All The Engaged and Married Folks

I'll stop rambling and share data from an actual study: when couples were asked to say what they thought of when they envisioned "getting married," couples that were getting married in a month or more were more likely to use high-level terms such as "making a serious commitment".

However, those that were getting married in a week or less were much more likely to envision concrete details, such as "taking pictures", "saying our vows" or "walking down the aisle".

Example 3: For Everyone and Anyone

Let's say you agree to look after your little niece or nephew next month. At the time, you're happy to do it. Of course you'd help. It's your niece.

Then, the day arrives and you wonder what you were thinking when you said yes (it's ok, you can admit it).

When you agreed, your detail-free babysitting picture didn't include bringing out the Barbie dolls, turning on this generation's version of Blues Clues and having to ignore the fact that the NFL playoffs are on.

Last month, you pictured babysitting in terms of the why (an act of love). Today, you thought about it in terms of the how (see above).

The near future is finely detailed. The far future is blurry and open to possibility.

*to my sister and brother-in-law: don't worry, I'll look after my nephew any time (oh no, I'm going to regret that aren't I?)

Does this concept apply to anything else?

No.

Just kidding (real funny, man)...studies show that when people imagine waiting for something, they imagine that it will be worse if it happens in the near future than in the far future.

For example, most people would rather receive $20 in a year than $19 in 364 days because a one-day delay that far in the future seems like a minor inconvenience. On the flip side, most people would rather receive $19 today than $20 tomorrow because a one-day delay in the near future appears to be much more excruciating.

Why? The detail of the near future makes us feel more excited about events that will take place soon than events that will take place at a later date.

This works in reverse as well.

You're out with a few friends. There's a concert tonight. It's the day of, so prices are more expensive, but hey, you really want to see this band perform.

What do you do? Most people would shell out 10 extra bucks in order to go to the concert tonight for $75 versus tomorrow for $65.

But what about if the show was a year from now? If you're like most people, you'd wait one day and pay $65 to go to the Saturday show in 365 days rather than pay $75 for the Friday show one day earlier.

Tik Tok I'm Thinking About

A beautiful response from Jay Shetty to Alex Cooper on the Call Her Daddy podcast (#DaddyGang?) to "what is the most common mistake people make in love?".

Click the picture above to watch the video or read the full response below.

"I think the biggest mistake people make in love is that they think the epitome peak experience of love is only through romantic love. I think people devalue the love a mother has for her kids, friends have for each other, people have for their brothers and sisters and the love kids have for their parents. There are so many opportunities in life to give and receive love and the biggest mistake we make is that we think this romantic relationship is the only place we get to give and receive love. I know single moms who love their kids with all their heart and their kids love them back, but they don't feel like that's enough because society has said if you don't have someone in your life, then you are not worthy of love. So we have a hierarchy of love where it's romantic love at the top, but when I look at the greatest acts of love in the world, often they are not romantic. Often they are between family, between friends and between people in society. I just want people to remember that as much as romantic love is important, don't make the mistake to devalue the other relationships in your life."

I really love this perspective - I definitely hadn't thought of it this way. I like that last sentence in particular.

Parting Thoughts

Remember when I said "see you Wednesday night" in the parting thoughts last week? I hope not.

I switched back and forth between three different topics/ideas before settling on this one. Hoping the third choice was a charm.

Can we reschedule for next week? (signing off like my Hinge date that agreed to this date a week ago*),

Kevin

*It's ok, I totally understand why you need to reschedule. I read about it in this newsletter I subscribe to.