The Third Side To Every Story

My mom sent me an email after last week’s blog.

This is nothing new.

She sends me a message after each one – most make me smile, some make me laugh and others make me confused by her choice of emojis.

But this one – well, it really made me think.

In case you missed it (shameless plug), I wrote about depth and commitment – and more specifically, how commitment unlocks a new level of meaning in life.

Commitment is the way, I argue.

I won’t rehash the whole email here, but essentially my mom told me to remember this: there’s plenty of time for exploring, searching and experiencing before you commit.

Not only is there plenty of time to do so – it can be wise too.

***

After thinking on it, the deeper meaning behind my mom’s message could be this: many issues and arguments don’t just have two sides – they are complex problems filled with many different viewpoints.

I’ve been thinking about it this way: most issues aren’t black or white, but rather filled with many shades of gray.

Unfortunately, many issues today are presented in rigid categories – Good or bad. This or that. In support of or against. Black or white. Blue or red. MJ or LeBron.

But oversimplifying complex issues into two categories can be troublesome. It replaces thinking for many people. It’s hard to generate a real understanding of something, so many people pick a side and stay there.

It’s much easier that way.

Psychologists have a name for this: it’s called binary bias. It’s the basic human tendency to seek clarity and closure by simplifying a complex issue into two categories.

War is good. War is bad.

College is useless. College is essential.

Chipotle is the best. Qdoba sucks.

But, as mentioned, there are very few black-and-white answers. A better approach may be to appreciate and embrace complexity and nuance.

Emphasize the shades of gray.

Consider how someone’s upbringing may shape their beliefs. Or, think about how if you had been raised in a different household or a different decade, you may also hold different beliefs.

Our beliefs are a product of our circumstances. And as I’ve said many times before, we all see the world through our own unique lenses of experiences, attitudes, intentions and beliefs.

Nearly all of reality lives in this gray area – this really isn’t a world of absolutes.

With this in mind, we could reframe a few of the issues above: war is terrible, but history has shown it may be necessary in some cases. College works for some, but not for others. You may prefer the ingredients used at Chipotle, but there’s free queso at Qdoba – need I say more?

This isn’t to say that some things aren’t clear-cut. Heroin? Probably a bad idea even once. But, most things in life are ok in some dose and not ok in others.

Again, the reality of life isn’t black or white, but mostly gray. The truth almost always lies somewhere in between.

***

Psychologist Peter T. Coleman runs a lab on the second floor of a brick building at Columbia University in New York.

It’s called the Difficult Conversations Lab.

Here, you’re matched up with a stranger who strongly disagrees with you on a controversial topic – abortion, gun control, climate change, etc. You name it.

Peter eventually discovered something quite remarkable. He uncovered a method that led to strangers finding enough common ground to draft and sign a statement together on a controversial topic 46% of the time.

His secret? Before beginning a conversation about – let’s say, abortion – Peter gave both people an article about another controversial topic – let’s say, gun control.

But not just any gun control article – this article covered both sides of the issue, making a balanced case for both gun rights and gun legislation.

A remarkable achievement, certainly. But…I left one thing out.

Peter actually accomplished something even far more impressive. He found a method that led strangers to drafting and signing a statement together about abortion laws 100% (yes, 100%) of the time.

The secret this time? The article the strangers read framed the debate as a complex problem that represented a number of different viewpoints.

As journalist Amanda Ripley described it, “it read less like a lawyer’s opening statement and more like an anthropologist’s field notes”.

As it turned out, all it took was framing the issue not as two extreme positions, but one of many complex and nuanced problems to break people’s binary mindset.

The reality is this: many people tend to oversimplify their understanding of complex issues.

This exercise made them question that impulse.

***

There’s one last (not as) controversial topic we need to revisit.

Commitment is good. Commitment is bad.

Well, as you might now guess, it’s a little more complicated than that – aka how I presented the topic last week.

In some cases? Yes.

Other times, such as when deciding who to marry, what sport to specialize in and which career path to take – I’d argue no. Well, at least not right away.

Interestingly enough, I stumbled upon a fascinating study from economist Ofer Malamud last week while reading David Epstein’s book, Range.

Malamud studied and observed thousands of students to determine how the timing of specialization impacts career choice and satisfaction.

He found a natural experiment in the British school system. For the period he studied, English and Welsh students were required to specialize before college so they could commit to a specific, narrow program.

In Scotland, on the other hand, students were required to study different fields for their first two years of college and could even keep sampling beyond that.

So, Malamud wondered, who eventually won this trade-off, the early or the late specializers?

The result? College graduates in England and Whales were consistently more likely to leap out of their career fields than their Scottish peers.

With less sampling opportunity, these students headed down a narrow career path before fully figuring out if it was a good one.

Did they commit? Yes, most certainly.

But, for many of them, they committed a little too early.

The English and Welsh students had to pick a career path with only the knowledge of the courses they had been exposed to early in high school.

That’s like being forced to choose if you want to marry your high school sweetheart at sixteen. Yes, that would work out for some. But for many, they may discover – just as the English and Welsh students did – they settled down a little too early.

Malamud’s final conclusion?

“Learning stuff was less important than learning about oneself. Exploration is not just a whimsical luxury of education; it’s a central benefit”.

Before committing, sometimes it makes sense to get more data. Or as my mom put it – to explore, to experience, to try new things.

***

So, is commitment the answer? It’s complicated.

The more “all-in” you are on a good relationship, the better it becomes. The more you commit to a toxic relationship, the deeper you get trapped.

Commitment can make good things better.

But it can also make bad things worse.

So, commitment isn’t good or bad. As is the case for most things in life, the answer lies in the gray – somewhere in between.